Feeling so distant

I've been in two minds whether to post this or not, some might think how boring, but a blog is supposed to be a place where you publish your thoughts, so why not. I would have posted it on my other blog mum of four, but as some already know it got deleted accidentally and waiting for it to be restored insha Allaah, so it'll be on this blog for now.
Well, today I started to feel a little emotional when I came off the phone to my younger brother Marc, he's now 20 or 21, oops, he'll go mad if he sees this! can't even remember my brothers exact age! anyway when we speak on the phone, which is not often, in some ways it feels like we're so distant, it may be him as a person I don't know, when we're face to face, he can chat for Wales! lol, but on the phone it's kind of the opposite.

I really feel like I've missed out so much on seeing him grow up, it's strange seeing him, this muscly young man masha'Allaah, with a child, driving before me! lol,nice car, and a good job, masha'Allaah. He's grown up so quick, and I haven't been there to see that.

Back in 1997 I think it was, I decided to move out from my parents house, and I moved in with a friend, I was about 17/18 then, I was in a different area, so didn't see my family every day, I was too busy living my life, a typical teenager. Then about a year after I moved out, my stepdad decided he wanted to move back to where we had lived before, about an hour away. My mum gave me the choice of going with them, but I had my life set up where I was, had my friends, my job, it was a definite no no to go back. In the beginning I would go down maybe every couple of weeks but my memories of that are not clear, so I know I didn't go that often.
Time passed, I lived my life - week-work, weekend-going out, and then sometimes go to see my family, now looking back I wish I had made more effort, but Qadr Allaah.

I became muslim in 2001 and got married shortly afterwards, moved away to London and so the visiting got alot less, hence the reason I feel so distant to my brother. I would see my mum often, she would visit, especially then as we moved back to Wales, but not same city. There is 8yrs between me and my brother, and it brings tears to my eyes to think back to when he was younger, he would wind me up definitely, but that's what little brothers do, sometimes I would be sitting in my room with my friends, and my door had a little window at the top of it, all of a sudden you would see this mop of hair appearing in the window, and then his little eyes, lol, or he would get a big brush, and move it about in the window, lol.
Masha'Allaah he was a good little d.i.y er, he would come fix my door if it was broke, as it was normally hanging off the hinge, or the slide cupboard on my cabin bed, he'd sellotape it back on.

He had this quirky way of dressing, he would insist on tucking in his shirt into his jeans, me being your typical teenager, I would feel so embarrased going out with him like that, my mum would insist I take him to town with me sometimes, and I would be literally begging him to take his shirt out, and look a bit 'cooler' lol, he was only about 6/7, now when I look back at that, it makes me laugh. He got me back years later, we were going to town together, and I had this bright yellow bag which I really liked, but he didn't, and he threw a tantrum near the bus stop because of it, getting me back, me thinks! lol.

Well, I know I'm rambling on now, but I had to get this written, or should I say 'typed' down. My sadness is there for missing out on his life so much, and I would love to have a more closer relationship with him, as I mentioned before I feel very distant from him, the little boy I once used to argue so much with, but we had good moments also while living together. Also he has a little girl, she hardly knows me, and this I find extremely sad, It's bringing tears to my eyes while I type. Things have to change, improve insha Allaah. In Islam kinship is very important, and keeping the ties. I think I need to try harder to keep in touch more and to visit as often as I can.

Oh well , will stop there now. Enough emotion for one night.

Anyway love ya bro!

Which one are you?

A friend of mine e-mailed this to me, I thought it was really nice, and wanted to share it insha Allaah. I know, strange title, but read on and it'll soon make sense.


Carrots, Eggs, and Coffee

This one will take a minute or two to read, but please make the time. It will bless your heart and make you think. You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.


A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, 'Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique,however, after they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?


Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?

Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The

brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

You might want to let others read this message, those people who mean something to you (I Just Did.); to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.

If you don't share these kind and meaningful words, you will just miss out on the opportunity to Brighten someone's day with this touching thought for the day!


May we all be blessed enough to be COFFEE.

Keep Striving!

While doing the cleaning earlier on, many thoughts started to fill my head. Thoughts about how as muslim women we haveto be strong, and we are strong Masha'Allaah. I started to think about my own personal experiences as a revert to Islam, in the beginning when I first covered my hair with the hijab I was so scared, I worried what people's reaction would be towards me, negative? postive? regardless I had to get out there by myself and face the world. What made me strong at that time and still does, was the constant awareness of Allaah and reminding myself that I was obeying my creator and insha Allaah I wouldn't be alone in this journey.

SubhanAllaah having this awareness immediately made me feel stronger and braver and proud to be a muslim woman. I came into Islam in 2001, when my daughter was just 5mths old, and throughout these years I have gone from wearing a scarf/skirt/loose top to the somali style hijab and then the overhead abayah with niqaab, as I have covered more I have experienced more negative reactions from people, there have been days when I've been out wearing the niqaab, have some narrow minded person throw a stupid comment and it would fill me with so much sadness and anger as to how some people have no respect whatsoever for others who may look different to them.

I have had people criticize me in front of my children, when all I am doing is going about my business, these kind of people cannot hold their hatred in, and so much want you to feel like a pile of rubbish.

I don't want to come across as complaining now, but I wanted to make the point that as muslim women we face hatred almost every day, I am not alone in this, and many sisters have been treated far worse than I have, but it's this inner strength, our belief that keeps us going, so that each day before we leave the house insha Allaah we make sure we're observing correct hijab, even though we may have been verbally attacked the day before, we brush that aside, and keep on striving, trying to please our Lord and hoping for the reward of Jannah.

We do this because we know Islam is the truth, and this certainty gives us strength and the courage to go out there and face whatever we may face that particular day.

For my sisters in Islam who are struggling and feel alone I say keep striving, you will have your reward insha Allaah.

So basically what I think I wanted to say, is that I admire my sisters (and brothers )in Islam for staying firm upon our belief and not letting the hatred of others break us down. And especially for my sisters I love you all for the sake of Allaah, continue to be strong insha Allaah.

Abu al-‘Abbas ‘Abdullah bin ‘Abbas, radiyallahu anhuma, reported: One day I was behind the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, and he said to me:

"O young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice] : Be mindful of Allah, and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. If you (have need to) ask, ask of Allah; and if you seek help, seek help from Allah. Know that even if the Nation (or the whole community) were to gather together to benefit you with something, they would not benefit you with anything except that which Allah has already recorded for you, and that if they gather together to harm you with something, they would not be able to harm you with anything except that which Allah has already recorded against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried."

Abu Hurairah, radiyallahu 'anhu, reported that a man said to the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam:

"Advise me! "The Prophet said, "Do not become angry and furious." The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, "Do not become angry and furious."


On the authority of Ibn 'Umar, radiyallahu 'anhuma, who said: The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam, took me by the shoulder and said:

"Be in this world as though you were a stranger or a traveler/wayfarer."
Ibn 'Umar used to say:

"When evening comes, do not expect (to live till) morning, and when morning comes, do not expect (to live till) evening. Take from your health (a preparation) for your illness, and from your life for your death."

[Al-Bukhari]

[Al-Tirmidhi relates this and says: It is a good, genuine Hadith]

deleted my blog!!!

I can't believe it, I just went and accidentally deleted my blog 'Mum of Four', but hopefully I should be able to get it restored asap, I just sent a request to blogger, and so I think they should be able to do it insha Allaah.
I would be gutted if I lost everything I had on there, like our schooling Journal, let's hope it don't take too long to come back on.

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