Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Feeling so distant
I've been in two minds whether to post this or not, some might think how boring, but a blog is supposed to be a place where you publish your thoughts, so why not. I would have posted it on my other blog mum of four, but as some already know it got deleted accidentally and waiting for it to be restored insha Allaah, so it'll be on this blog for now.
Well, today I started to feel a little emotional when I came off the phone to my younger brother Marc, he's now 20 or 21, oops, he'll go mad if he sees this! can't even remember my brothers exact age! anyway when we speak on the phone, which is not often, in some ways it feels like we're so distant, it may be him as a person I don't know, when we're face to face, he can chat for Wales! lol, but on the phone it's kind of the opposite.
I really feel like I've missed out so much on seeing him grow up, it's strange seeing him, this muscly young man masha'Allaah, with a child, driving before me! lol,nice car, and a good job, masha'Allaah. He's grown up so quick, and I haven't been there to see that.
Back in 1997 I think it was, I decided to move out from my parents house, and I moved in with a friend, I was about 17/18 then, I was in a different area, so didn't see my family every day, I was too busy living my life, a typical teenager. Then about a year after I moved out, my stepdad decided he wanted to move back to where we had lived before, about an hour away. My mum gave me the choice of going with them, but I had my life set up where I was, had my friends, my job, it was a definite no no to go back. In the beginning I would go down maybe every couple of weeks but my memories of that are not clear, so I know I didn't go that often.
Time passed, I lived my life - week-work, weekend-going out, and then sometimes go to see my family, now looking back I wish I had made more effort, but Qadr Allaah.
I became muslim in 2001 and got married shortly afterwards, moved away to London and so the visiting got alot less, hence the reason I feel so distant to my brother. I would see my mum often, she would visit, especially then as we moved back to Wales, but not same city. There is 8yrs between me and my brother, and it brings tears to my eyes to think back to when he was younger, he would wind me up definitely, but that's what little brothers do, sometimes I would be sitting in my room with my friends, and my door had a little window at the top of it, all of a sudden you would see this mop of hair appearing in the window, and then his little eyes, lol, or he would get a big brush, and move it about in the window, lol.
Masha'Allaah he was a good little d.i.y er, he would come fix my door if it was broke, as it was normally hanging off the hinge, or the slide cupboard on my cabin bed, he'd sellotape it back on.
He had this quirky way of dressing, he would insist on tucking in his shirt into his jeans, me being your typical teenager, I would feel so embarrased going out with him like that, my mum would insist I take him to town with me sometimes, and I would be literally begging him to take his shirt out, and look a bit 'cooler' lol, he was only about 6/7, now when I look back at that, it makes me laugh. He got me back years later, we were going to town together, and I had this bright yellow bag which I really liked, but he didn't, and he threw a tantrum near the bus stop because of it, getting me back, me thinks! lol.
Well, I know I'm rambling on now, but I had to get this written, or should I say 'typed' down. My sadness is there for missing out on his life so much, and I would love to have a more closer relationship with him, as I mentioned before I feel very distant from him, the little boy I once used to argue so much with, but we had good moments also while living together. Also he has a little girl, she hardly knows me, and this I find extremely sad, It's bringing tears to my eyes while I type. Things have to change, improve insha Allaah. In Islam kinship is very important, and keeping the ties. I think I need to try harder to keep in touch more and to visit as often as I can.
Oh well , will stop there now. Enough emotion for one night.
Anyway love ya bro!