At my lowest point........

Salam alaykum,

................well it sure has been a while since I've wrote anything on here, well that's me all over....inconsistent really should be my middle name! 

I'm sure the last time I wrote, I mentioned how low my eeman was, well it still is, my enthusiasm and motivation has seriously plummeted, and I know if I want to become motivated again I have to put in some effort....read the qur'an/an islamic book or listen to a lecture, but without enthusiasm and motivation I'm finding it pretty hard to do.

I've suprised myself recently with the way I see certain things, I wont go too much into this as tbh I'm not looking to get into any kind of debate about a particular subject. let's just say things that I would have been really strict about in the years that I've been a muslim, now don't seem as bad, and i've found myself taking more notice of other fatwas and opinions regarding these things, can be pretty confusing.

I've also found myself reflecting alot about my life, and don't get me wrong I'm so grateful to Allaah for guiding me back to Islam and in my heart I do believe that Islam is the truth, but I feel that happiness and contentment is somewhat missing, I wonder to myself is this because I'm low in my eemaan, and I feel I'm being pulled in all directions, there's parts of me trying to hold onto my deen and knowing it's the truth not wanting to let it go, then because of my weakness, I find myself being pulled to the dunya, and I know myself that if I were living the life I was living before I wouldn't be completely happy, I just feel stuck in a way, I'm trying hard to explain exactly how I feel inside, I don't want to lose Islam but feel isolated, and yes I could go and mix more with the sisters but don't really feel like it, and with the big focus on Islam, sometimes going out and displaying your islamic identity just puts you in the spotlight, and have people reacting to you because of this, alhamdulillah I don't get alot of problems, but sometimes just takes it's toll always being the one ppl stare at or judge when they don't even know you.

I think I really needed to let this all out, and I know I need to take some serious action if I want to save my deen, this has gone on for too long now, but it seems all of a sudden I've dipped even further and that's the scary part, I don't want it to get to the point where I'm not covering or praying, authu billaah, but I'm just stuck in a rut subhanAllaah, it sounds crazy but I've conjured up thoughts in my head about living my life with Islam as my belief but without so many restrictions and realistically I know this cannot work, your lifestyle would just be contradicting your belief, because if you believe properly then you would try your best to wear hijab, pray 5 times etc....
I ask Allah to keep us all guided and let jannah be our final abode, ameen.