Wednesday, 21 December 2011

At my lowest point........

Salam alaykum,

................well it sure has been a while since I've wrote anything on here, well that's me all over....inconsistent really should be my middle name! 

I'm sure the last time I wrote, I mentioned how low my eeman was, well it still is, my enthusiasm and motivation has seriously plummeted, and I know if I want to become motivated again I have to put in some effort....read the qur'an/an islamic book or listen to a lecture, but without enthusiasm and motivation I'm finding it pretty hard to do.

I've suprised myself recently with the way I see certain things, I wont go too much into this as tbh I'm not looking to get into any kind of debate about a particular subject. let's just say things that I would have been really strict about in the years that I've been a muslim, now don't seem as bad, and i've found myself taking more notice of other fatwas and opinions regarding these things, can be pretty confusing.

I've also found myself reflecting alot about my life, and don't get me wrong I'm so grateful to Allaah for guiding me back to Islam and in my heart I do believe that Islam is the truth, but I feel that happiness and contentment is somewhat missing, I wonder to myself is this because I'm low in my eemaan, and I feel I'm being pulled in all directions, there's parts of me trying to hold onto my deen and knowing it's the truth not wanting to let it go, then because of my weakness, I find myself being pulled to the dunya, and I know myself that if I were living the life I was living before I wouldn't be completely happy, I just feel stuck in a way, I'm trying hard to explain exactly how I feel inside, I don't want to lose Islam but feel isolated, and yes I could go and mix more with the sisters but don't really feel like it, and with the big focus on Islam, sometimes going out and displaying your islamic identity just puts you in the spotlight, and have people reacting to you because of this, alhamdulillah I don't get alot of problems, but sometimes just takes it's toll always being the one ppl stare at or judge when they don't even know you.

I think I really needed to let this all out, and I know I need to take some serious action if I want to save my deen, this has gone on for too long now, but it seems all of a sudden I've dipped even further and that's the scary part, I don't want it to get to the point where I'm not covering or praying, authu billaah, but I'm just stuck in a rut subhanAllaah, it sounds crazy but I've conjured up thoughts in my head about living my life with Islam as my belief but without so many restrictions and realistically I know this cannot work, your lifestyle would just be contradicting your belief, because if you believe properly then you would try your best to wear hijab, pray 5 times etc....
I ask Allah to keep us all guided and let jannah be our final abode, ameen.

16 comments:

Infitar said...

The same thing happened with me as well but alhamdullilah my eman is getting better now...what you need to do is just keep on building your eman step by step and don't rush to follow everything all at once...i just kept on praying, reciting qur'an only when i really wanted to do and had nothing else to do...point being don't force everything upon yourself, take small steps at a time and build upon them gradually. Inshallah you will be able to get out of this rut soon.

Anonymous said...

Bismillaah arRahmaan arRaheem

Assalamu alaykum ukhti fillaah. We know from our aqeedah that emaan increases and decreases and shaytaan will always try and make us stray from the siraatul mustaqeem. May Allah ta'ala keep me, you and all our brothers and sisters firm upon the deen of Al-Islaam and grant us taqawa of Allaah that will act as a barrier between us and the dioedience of Allaah ta'ala. Ameen

Naimah said...

Wa alaykum assalam, Ameen to your du'a, jazakillah khair :)

Naimah said...

Insha Allah! jazakillah khair for your advice and thanks for stopping by :)

Anonymous said...

Assalamu alaiki,

I would recommend that you quickly move to a Muslim area. Especially somewhere that holds regular duroos, jumah etc. This isolation is a breeding ground for shaytaan. Living around other Muslims is a big motivation and keeps your emaan up.

See how you go from there InshaAllah...

Regards,

Your sister in Islaam.

Naimah said...

Wa alaykum assalam,

Jazakillah khair for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I do actually live in an area where there are alot of muslims, and if I pushed myself I could attend some lessons, but with four children in tow sometimes it's just easier and less stressful to stay at home!

It's down to myself really, right nw I'm not feeling motivated to attend lessons etc, and I know that I wont become motivated unless I start taking steps, which is quite hard when there's not much motivation! lol if u can understand that!

It has been on my mind to start reading, especially the Qur'an, but there needs to be action not just intention, insha Allaah khair :)

Anonymous said...

Assalamu alaiki,

Just wanted to know how you are getting on? You havent put any new posts up so I thought i'd give you a nudge and say hi.

Hope all is well InshaAllah!

Regards,

Ukhtuki fil Islaam.

Naimah said...

Wa alaykum assalam ukhti,

Jazakillah khair for your concern, I would love to say things have improved but they haven't and that's down to me, days are flying by and I'm yet to pick my eemaan back up, subhanAllaah it's easy to become comfortable and I really have to break out of this rut insha Allaah, hopefully be a positive update soon!! :)

Anonymous said...

Glad to get a response from you. I would like to suggest something, oftentimes we cant motivate ourselves to do things but including other people will force you to get on to it.

Why not set a day in your house once a week where you go through a book with a sister / a few sisters you know. Or maybe memorise some Quraan or even go through some Arabic etc.

If its not working on your own then your best bet is to get others involved to motivate you and if its in your home,on a regular basis then you have a weekly motivation and target. Worth a try!

Naimah said...

jazakillah khair sis for the suggestions, insha Allah will think about doing something like that, I agree it is often easeier to start and keep something going when your doing it with someone else or part of a group

Anonymous said...

Assalamu alaykum, Ukhti,

just thought i'd drop by and see if you've updated...but sadley not! aaw how i miss the old days ya umm khadijah, popping over for a brew , you and you 50 sugars! May Allaah increase us all in benefical knowledge and make us from those who act upon our 'ilm and increase us all in emaan and good deeds. Ameen love you fillaah umm faatimah

Anonymous said...

Aslaamu 'alaikum sis.

How are you getting on? I went through a similar problem, and I'm still feeling a little low to be honest.

What has really helped me is to make myself go to the masjid and chat to people, even if you don't feel like it.

Also, think of a sister you know and look up to, be in their company and just discuss your mood with them. I have found that just being in the presence of other sisters really helps!

Please let me know if you want my email address, would love to get to know you, you sound lovely!

I live in west london and i've got 2 young kids, so I often dont get to see other sisters (everyone is too busy nowadays!)

Umm Ibraheem

Anonymous said...

Assalamu alaikum,

How are you doing? We havent had any updates for a while, at this rate I will be coming down to Wales to track you down, and Laverbread really doesnt sound appetising lol.

Keep your readers updated.
*hugs*

Hayaakillaah.

kizzie mapes said...

Asalaam Alaikum! Ahhh sisters your all such sweethearts :) I was reading and was so touched and at times even had a giggle, I mean who on earth puts 59 sugars in their tea and where the bleedin hell is Laverbread??! Sounds more like loafofbread ahahaha.... Anyway. Enough of laughing at my own jokes. Big love to you all and may Allah bless the lot of you for being so supportive.... :D that's the beauty in Islam isn't it :) you don't even have to know a sister for her to be your sister. I hope your emaan has picked up sister. Very Much love from a Revert sister Xxx

Naimah said...

Wa alaykum assalam Kizzie, the 50 sugars was a slight exaggeration lol, but I did used to like my tea rather sweet! and Laverbread is a Welsh delicacy made from laver, which is an edible variety of seaweed, not exactly my cup of tea!
Masha'Allah the sisters on here have been very supportive, may Allah bless you all, ameen. Jazakillah khair for your concern,alhamdulillah my emaan is not as low as it was when I wrote this post, but not tons better either. x

Esse said...

I'm reading this like years later.. I hope u found the answers to what u were experiencing and insha Allah pray all is well with u..
I go through all these things too and believe me I know what u were saying back there.. may Allah protect us and guide us all.. ameen..