I know I haven't posted for a while now, when I set up this extra blog I had so many ideas of what I would write about, now all of a sudden, my mind is blank, I have no idea. Earlier I was thinking about this blog of mine, and wondering why I don't feel I've got anything to contribute right now, one of the reasons that seemed to stick out in my mind was that my eemaan is still not at the level I would like it to be, and I am not spending as much time on my deen as I should be. If my eemaan was high, I would be studying more, gaining beneficial knowledge, and therefore would have alot to share and discuss.
I just seem to climb and then fall back, I know this is my own fault, I'm not pushing myself hard enough. Each night after I put the kids to bed, I'll clean up, pray and then have a bite to eat, I do try to stick to my routine of reading surah al-Mulk at least and then a couple of pages of 'Great women of Islam' but some nights when I've been a bit behind in putting the kids to bed, I tend to leave it out, and come straight online, check my other blog 'mum of four' and then plan the girls work for the next day. It really saddens me that I have let myself become like this, I have been weak for a while now, probably since my pregnancy, I did used to attend Dr Saleh's (May Allaah have mercy upon him, ameen) lessons on paltalk each night, but then my legs started to play up, I think it was 'restless leg syndrome' I just couldn't sit at the computer for long, and so I would just end up coming away from it, and doing something else.
After having the baby I'm still the same. We did move to Birmingham, as we felt the move would be good for us, and I know that when I lived in Birmingham before I was alot stronger, masha'Allaah. I do feel a bit more motivated since coming back, due to the company I keep, without praising anyone above Allaah, the sisters who I am close to here, and I have known for quite a while now, are beautiful sisters masha'Allaah, genuine and sincere, and all striving for Allaah's sake, insha Allaah. Alhamdulillaah I feel blessed to have these sisters as close companions.
Many times recently I have been reminded of death, subhanAllaah, I feel scared because none of us know when it's going to be our turn, people are dying every single day, how can I expect that I'll be here till my 70's, 80's etc... I'm scared that I may die the way I am now, with my eemaan the same, not any higher, and not having enough good deeds on my side, It's time to wake up subhanAllaah, but how many times do I get like this, and feel the fear, but then it seems to shift back to the back of my mind, it's always there lurking, y'know that reminder of death, but the dunya just distracts, and we laugh and we joke, but don't make serious effort to change and improve (I'm referring to myself specifically now). I just feel like I'm constantly going round in circles, motivation is a big thing for me, I have to push myself hard in order to build it up, and right now I'm not trying hard enough to discipline myself, how long have I got left? only Allaah knows, but I ask him to forgive me for my neglect, and aid me and strengthen me, so that I may become the servant he is pleased with, insha Allaah.
I really had to get that all off my chest, it feels good to type it all down, and just let my thoughts flow, which I don't let myself always do. I think I hold back too much, in a way that can be good, but not always. Well this is the reality, my situation right now, not really moving anywhere, but insha Allaah I know I have to work hard, and remind myself contantly of death, the destroyer of desires, subhanAllaah, as this is a major boost for one's eemaan, insha Allaah. Once this chance is taken away from us, there's no going back, no second chance, insha Allaah for anyone else the same as me right now, let's work hard, and make the most of what little time we have, before it's too late.
"Every soul shall taste death" (Surah Al-Imran 3:185)
Thanks for reading!